I feel completly lost. What do i do now… Where do I go… What do I say? Who do I trust now? I never been this scared in my life. This is first time where I was decieved and I just feel scared. I wasnt prepared for this. Truth is I know I cant stay right now. I definitly need time to give to myself and my unborn baby. I have to nurse us back to health with all this stress going on. But I am always afraid of what He might decide to do on our down time. I dont know why it still takes up my time. Like what he doing, where he at blah blah.. I wish so bad that I can wake up and not give 2 fucks about this trick. But for now it feels like ive been holding my breath for hrs. Ive cried all day. Im drained. Im tired. Weak and confused.
I need this power off of me. This hold that I feel. I need to be able to be okay at night. I need to be okay when I’m alone. I’m not going to beg anyone to love me anymore. If you can’t give that to me when I’m giving you my all and that’s not enough it will never be. I can no longer wait. God has a purpose for my life. You won’t distract me, you won’t keep me back any longer. Time to put on my big girl panties.
At the end of the day she’s my only priority. Its going to take some time but I’m getting it slowly but surely.
This whole depending on a man shit aint for me. I thought i could try it out. Play house. Act like I have a husband and house of my own and we’re raising a child together. But its just me. Not to say he doesn’t do his part because he does. Its just that the feeling of lonely starts to creep up again… Idk. I cant tell ya’ll why I feel like I’m having a bit of a meltdown when I do not know myself. I just wish my situation was different. I am the one to blame at the end of the day anyway.